holding my oldest

I have been amazed at the verbal discussions that Foster and I have had lately. His tone is a mimic of every single person he hears and tv show he watches. I do my best to protect him from what he sees, but sometimes it doesn't matter, because sometimes its my tone and attitude that he mimics flawlessly. How can you not want to change the flaws inside of you when you see a 3 year old pick them up as though they were born with them. For a while I truly believed he possessed the same emotionally intense reaction to things that I did. Then after a great conversation with one of my SIL's I realized that he is mirroring all that is negative in me. I NEED TO CHANGE. Well, add a pregnancy and twin toddling babies to the mix and you forget to work on yourself.

I see my pride rise up when he's not being EVERYTHING I expect of him and I get looks or comments from other adults (extended family). Its true he is off the wall a lot through out the day, and its important that I keep him reigned in to what he can and can't do, but I also don't want to "no" the personality out of him.

Well, I can't say I have answers, I need work... my attitude and pride need to be challenged and changed. I truly pray all through the day that God would lead me in how to parent him, no book or one idea can work, its through seeking God, experience from older moms, and the proverbs that I see how fluid parenting him is. I have to be so willing to refocus... ask God to direct me for this day... sometimes strong discipline is the best thing for him and yet other times he needs me to hold him.

Tonight was one of those nights. Something that we have taught him is that yes means "yes" and no means "no". I told him it was time for bed and to give me a hug and he said he didn't want one (he was upset). I asked him what no meant and he answered no. So I told him ok, well then I love you its time for bed. Then he whiningly said he wanted one, so I asked him again and he said no again... so I made him go to bed without one.

He went to be and cried quietly for a good bit, and I started to imagine how his day went, if I were in his shoes. He got a few spankings, got bit by his sister, was spoke loudly to on a number of occasions (with "no" attached to it). He had a boring hard day. He was in bed, little 3 year old Foster and I made him do it with out a hug.

If it was little girl Alyson I wouldn't have had sound sleep tonight. So I went up there and held him. I ran my fingers through his hair and I held him close. I felt his heart warm up, I felt him forgive me and feel so deeply safe in my arms. I told him I was sorry, and he said "its ok mom it was an accident".

I can barely hold him without him overflowing in my lap. He's only 3. I only have a few years left of consoling him this way. My heart aches thinking about it. I am glad I chose to love him the way he needed tonight. You can discipline without love but you can love without discipline. I ended with love tonight.