curls...

I am born in the 80's. I love big fun curly hair. I am always fawning over my friends with this type of hair. Well since I was 12 yrs old, I have colored or chemically damaged it way too many times a year. But for the past 4 years I have taken a break for the most part with moments of weakness here and there...

Almost a year ago, In July of 2009 I cut off the last bit of damaged hair. I HAD virgin hair for almost 11 mths exactly! I got a perm 3 years ago and after 4 months of not knowing how to care for it... I was over its frizzy tangly mess. I finally figured out how to deal with curls but it was too late,  I grew it out and committed to never going back (even though I knew in my heart I would probably not live that out... I'd most likely try again someday...)

.... So I googled perm trends in 2010... I got inspired about 10 days ago... my last hair cut was in February when I was 8 mths pregnant, I got it cut in florida on my girls vacation to visit my mom and step sister, I called it my "buccaneer sexy haircut." (another hair story).  I have NEVER been able to go for more than 2 months without a desperate makeover need... but not this year... my hair is healthier and stronger than its ever been!

So tonight I took the plunge I was rolled. I am CURLY... Its sort of wet still so the bigness is not in its fullness... but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out! I can finally live up the wet hair look, when I walk out the door I won't look completely unfinished on every "hairwash day" because let's admit it, how many people have a few designated "hairwash days" a week? That's normal right? Especially for me... its like a serious event in my home when I can take a shower long enough to wash my hair too! Ha!

holding my oldest

I have been amazed at the verbal discussions that Foster and I have had lately. His tone is a mimic of every single person he hears and tv show he watches. I do my best to protect him from what he sees, but sometimes it doesn't matter, because sometimes its my tone and attitude that he mimics flawlessly. How can you not want to change the flaws inside of you when you see a 3 year old pick them up as though they were born with them. For a while I truly believed he possessed the same emotionally intense reaction to things that I did. Then after a great conversation with one of my SIL's I realized that he is mirroring all that is negative in me. I NEED TO CHANGE. Well, add a pregnancy and twin toddling babies to the mix and you forget to work on yourself.

I see my pride rise up when he's not being EVERYTHING I expect of him and I get looks or comments from other adults (extended family). Its true he is off the wall a lot through out the day, and its important that I keep him reigned in to what he can and can't do, but I also don't want to "no" the personality out of him.

Well, I can't say I have answers, I need work... my attitude and pride need to be challenged and changed. I truly pray all through the day that God would lead me in how to parent him, no book or one idea can work, its through seeking God, experience from older moms, and the proverbs that I see how fluid parenting him is. I have to be so willing to refocus... ask God to direct me for this day... sometimes strong discipline is the best thing for him and yet other times he needs me to hold him.

Tonight was one of those nights. Something that we have taught him is that yes means "yes" and no means "no". I told him it was time for bed and to give me a hug and he said he didn't want one (he was upset). I asked him what no meant and he answered no. So I told him ok, well then I love you its time for bed. Then he whiningly said he wanted one, so I asked him again and he said no again... so I made him go to bed without one.

He went to be and cried quietly for a good bit, and I started to imagine how his day went, if I were in his shoes. He got a few spankings, got bit by his sister, was spoke loudly to on a number of occasions (with "no" attached to it). He had a boring hard day. He was in bed, little 3 year old Foster and I made him do it with out a hug.

If it was little girl Alyson I wouldn't have had sound sleep tonight. So I went up there and held him. I ran my fingers through his hair and I held him close. I felt his heart warm up, I felt him forgive me and feel so deeply safe in my arms. I told him I was sorry, and he said "its ok mom it was an accident".

I can barely hold him without him overflowing in my lap. He's only 3. I only have a few years left of consoling him this way. My heart aches thinking about it. I am glad I chose to love him the way he needed tonight. You can discipline without love but you can love without discipline. I ended with love tonight.

bits of randomness

Randomness #1    I went out with friends from grade school tonight. It was three girlfriends that I have had the chance to reconnect with on facebook. I haven't been in relationship with them since I moved away in 6th grade. One of them has kids the same age as mine... we connected last year and got together, such a blast to have kids that will grow up visiting each other once a year!  Those three girls have been friends since they were in the first grade! (earlier actually.) I was sweet to see friendship that has so many years attached to it. I really enjoyed myself... (thanks to my mom for watching the 3 older kiddos).

Randomness #2    I miss my husband, my mother in law, my sweet friend cassie, all my fabulous mom friends... Jen Du, Jen Da, Jessica D, Rachel H, Amy F, and MANY others... along with all their sweet kids that bring me and my kiddos joy to have fun with. Oh couldn't forget miss sarah that was just in africa for five months and I only saw her for a few days before I left... I miss her too.

Randomness #3    I want to go to a pool outside... I want to swim so much but I know that swimming this year will be more different than its EVER been for me before. I LOVE to swim (in a pool area...not  so much bodies of water where living things swim).. and let me redefine that... I don't swim as much as I relax. Laying in the sun is something that i have LOVED to do since i was 12. I just know that going to the water with these four  will be anything BUT relaxing. I am sure we will do it sometime here soon... whenever we have more than one hot day in a weeks time.

Randomness #3    I am tired of telling Foster the same things he can't do... everyday... I want him to just GET it and be perfectly obedient and helpful. But I also don't want a grown adult child yet... because at that point I don't get to tell him what to do in life.

Randomness #4   I wish my family could go to the outer banks with all of my husband's side of the family this year... I didn't think I wanted to go when we were asked (and could have attempted to start saving for it) because I didn't know what it was going to be like once Betsy arrived. But being in Michigan makes me realize we could have done it (physically maybe not financially) and had a great time. Oh well, hopefully life will allow us all to vacation together as a big family while all the kids are still somewhat young at least once!

Randomness #5 I have realized that I could easily create a naughty little monster out of my little peanut... she's so darn cute when she is bad that I have GOT to stop letting her do things that at age 3 will make us have SERIOUS power issues.

Randomness #6 I really like being in a bigger house. I don't long for one or desperately wish I had one, but having more space to do things is refreshing and I haven't felt overwhelmed here yet... so honey you built the deck now just put 3 walls around it and a roof... we'd gain a bunch of space from that!


Randomness #7   This one is serious. I have seen about 3 BAD accidents in the past few days that I have felt the mortality of my children and my own life become tangible. I feel like I could reach out a touch it, just how easy it is to have a tragic thing happen... not out of fear but out of knowing that this world is broken and bad things happen all the time. I haven't worn my seat belt with this much conviction in a LONG time... (if ever.)

Randomness #8   Do you ever look at your kids individually and feel like you can sense a special bond with that specific kid? Its like there is this sense that what I have with you is different than all the others... but not better. I feel like my bond with each of these kids is super different yet the same amount of love.

Random #9   Do you ever think about what you like is what makes you "you"... and then remember why? like my favorite number when I was a kid was 49 (still is don't let me fool you).. because i was born on 4/9... and my dad's was 4/8 and he was obsessed with our bdates... I wanted my own to be cool too so I began liking 4 then 9, then I decided I liked them both... I used to have pictures of the number hanging in my room, & my sports #s were always one of them. So what's funny is that I just typed that Random #9 at the top of this paragraph... and it was like I felt a slight connection to the number... its like I hit a favorite button of emotion or something... and it reminded me of younger me. (I told you this is random)

Random #10 If I could push pause on life I would right now. Betsy is sleeping on my chest while I lay on the couch with the lights off and the tv on mute. I can hear her breathe... its heavenly.

Im starting to fish for randomness so that's my cue... Im done. Good night.

Trush ugh

I'm laying in bed at 6:30am. I looked over at betsy blue a few minutes ago & she was knawing on her fists... So I fed her knowing fully that this morning might be the feeding. It was... Curse you awful yeast grossness... I loathe the burning piercing frustrating feeling of you.

Hopefully you will go away VERY soon. I now know how to attack, & please be aware, I'm striking back in BLUE.


Other than that awfulness I'm happy I get to see my brother & his wife & son tonight. It should be a fun night filled with toddler laughs & crashes, probably lots of tears too! Have a wonderful day!


- posted from awsomeness...
My phone ;)

my time in MI

I am at my mom's house in Battle Creek, MI. I have been here for 16 days. I have about 23 more to go. Im in MI for the month of June. Its called Grandmaland, we spontaneously came up early. It may seem strange to be away from home for so long, but I kind of like breaking the mold of the norm... well with what society might say is weird. Don't get me wrong, I MISS my husband dearly, but the kids and I are having such an incredible time here. My mom is getting to know my children so well. I LOVE seeing them reach for her and accept her consoling arms for that devastating moment!

While I am here I am dealing with sad nursing home issues with my dearly beloved Grandma. I have very fond childhood memories with her. I spent a lot of single digit years with her... you know 5-9... I was there before 5 & after 9... but those years we had exceptional amounts of time spent together. Either way she is having a difficult time with her new life adjustment. She is as crabby as can be, and so caught up in her injustice. She has "mean, nasty nurses"... you know, the ones that don't drop everything they are doing to run to her side and give her a drink. Or fluff her pillows, or scratch her back, or cover her feet up.

She won't try to improve her physical state, she is not suffering from a disease or failing organs or memory loss (well sort of) she has osteoporosis, and she had a fall recently and has a compound fracture... she DOES feel pain, but they offer her some pretty strong meds to knock the edge off.  She's in a temporary location getting therapy through medicaid and if she doesn't show signs of improvement they will stop paying for it. And then she will begin to shovel $7000 a month for the exact same amount of care she is getting now.

She is no longer capable of living alone or in assisted living. Her nurses and aids are very friendly and nice... but they do have a lot of people to take of, people without limbs, people that drool and ramble, people that yell loudly at random moments... they have people that NEED their attention too, but because they aren't at my Grandmother's bedside the moment she pushes her red button... they are bad at their job.

The first few days and even weeks I was feeling sorry for her, wanting to fight for her comfort and well being, and I still do, I just see things differently. She is choosing to stay right where she is, its sad to see someone who has live 85 years of life not take responsibility for herself. I don't mean that harshly, I mean that with a sense of pride in her own life. It may not have been perfect nor is it for her right now... but choosing to fight for herself and not give up... She won't do it.

I decorated her room with bright colors and cork boards and dry erase boards, I have gone to see her almost every other night that I have gone twice a day a few times. I see her dwelling on all that's bad, and it makes me want to fight for all that's good in my life.

I sometimes appreciate personality flaws they make you look in the mirror. I love her, but my goodness Lord don't let me give up until the moment I breathe my last breath.  This is weird but I have enjoyed walking through this, its apart of life that I have not had to deal with yet. I still have 4 parents alive and kicking and we (JR & I) will go through this with them in the future. I can at least pull from this season of how to separate emotion from reality. (not that I am expecting any of our parents to do this to us.) We'd take each a one of them into our home for good. That's how much we love them.

I deeply miss my sweet scratchy face husband who is probably more busy this summer session with classes than he was all last semester. I guess I just need to get my mind around the simple fact that each semester is only going to get crazier.

I cant imagine how he is handling being in our wonderful home without all the laughter and crying and crazy meal times... I won't mention post kid bed time... not on here anyway... I mean I have them all with me and they make days FLY by... He is coming up here in a week and I could seriously blink my eyes and I know he will be sitting next me holding me close... I don't know if this week is going to be that fast for him... We are wishing the days to fly by my love. We can't wait for you... grow your arms and lap... we are all jumping in it... in 7 days and counting!

adding photos there has to be an easier way...

oh blogger

I am inspired. I will do this with 12 feet in mind. I consider this my form of journal, and if you have kept one before you know how sad it is to have gaps in your past journaling books. So I watch these captivating little people that continue to make me look in the mirror and want to be a better mom & wife... but mostly a better daughter to my Lord. I will have gaps but my 12 feet will keep me inspired. thank you blogger. I am leaving you tumblr... well I might do some two timing for a short while.